One step forward. Two steps back.

And so the saga continues...

I didn't think getting a job would be easy. At all. Conversations (read interviews) have been a mixed bag. Some encouraging. Some depressing. Some positive. It's interesting how my resume can look negative to some and quite positive to some! Their are certain mindsets that are willing to look at me as a risk worth taking and there are others who have been downright unforgiving in letting me know how inexperienced they feel I am. Don't people always begin somewhere? Or is it that difficult for people to fathom that a 40 year old mother of two can also step up to the challenge?

The one thing that's apparent is for someone like me, attempting to get back to work is beginning to to feel like a futile exercise. I never looked at myself as lacking or incapable. I may not know it all but I have learnt and I have adapted and I don't mean just at work but in life in general. Isn't life the biggest teacher and the biggest experience? There's a lot of glorification of mothers and motherhood of late. The very same people who say oh being a mother is something...wow you're home raising two boys...that's a task in itself? These are the same who when they see you struggle to come back to a job, say "but why would you want to?" or "you don't seem to be the corporate type" or "try writing...that's a simpler thing to do...you won't have to interact with clients" ... etc etc...

There have been some interviewers who have been helpful in giving suggestions. I'm not entirely sure if this a new way of rejecting someone by suggesting they are more suited for other roles but not clearly specifying what? Leaving an already confused me even more so! Honestly if you think I am suited for something, offer me that then? You with years of experience should know best or at least better than I do? So when you don't and you send me away with friendly advice saying take a look at all the things we do, identify a role and come back to us... I'm not sitting here thinking...wow I can pick anything??? I'm thinking if you don't know how to gauge me or identify what I am suitable for, then I probably don't have the skill set for any job!

You could say I am being negative. You won't be the first anyway. But trust me in a world of 20 something super achievers, I have a lot of lost ground to cover. Simply taking a step forward is a challenge in itself and if you can't help in a concrete way and try me out then please don't let me down gently or send me round in circles. Just tell me straight. I am a mother of two boys and one a teen. I don't mince words with him. He's clearly set out for handling disappointments and so is his mother who can take a simple NO. 

Then there is the other type of interviewer who quite seem to derive some morbid sense of pleasure from making you squirm with their questions that aren't meant to know you better or give you an understanding of the job or role, but instead are meant to make you feel like you know zilch! Just like that in a space of 10 mins reduce you to absolutely nothing. Why? Because seriously what can you have learnt in 40 years if you haven't been in a consistent job? Least of all how to book a flight to wherever!

Finally there are those who encourage you and say all the right things but still will hold back. Lets see its in when they say things like "lack relevant experience" ..." too many breaks"...."short tenure in your previous jobs" ... I am not sure why what I might have achieved in the short spans or even when I haven't been in a job is not scrutinized just as much? 

I've kept a very open mind this time. I have applied everywhere for all kinds of profiles. The only thing I am picky about is travel time, weekend offs and starting at a certain salary bracket. I probably don't think like a regular job seeker. I think through every job interview and I look into it keeping in mind that I want to be there for a long time and I want to learn and contribute as much. I'm not looking at a job in terms of where it will take me 5 years from now. I am looking at it as something I want to do and justify what's expected of me.  I know if I settle for a salary less than what I feel I deserve for the said role, I will not work and contribute as effectively. And it's been unfortunate when I have sensed I am being short changed because of my stay at home mom status.  At the risk of maybe offending some who I worked with in my last job, there were a couple of them who earned more than me but I do remember handling and taking on more than they did. Yet I settled for less and it's been my biggest regret. A lesson learnt that I won't repeat again.

That's the story so far. Sadly not a positive one so far but here's to another week of meeting...waiting...hoping....and maybe finally getting what I deserve? We always hope for the best!!!

Back to square one

So here's what happened since the last update here. Basically what's coming your way is an attempt to cut a long story short. I did get a job soon after I vented here about my frustrating conversation with consultants. And what do you know here I am back to square one. But first lets talk about the job I got back then.

It was with a start up and I was completely in love with the whole concept. It was an organization of young dynamic people lead by a lady who nurtured a beautiful dream that was slowly transforming to reality. We worked hard and we worked day and night and through weekends to launch the dream. Work took precedence over family and workmates became family! 

Sadly the dream remained just that. A dream. It never did take off and we were soon disbanded but not without a sense of having accomplished part of the dream...that little journey we undertook taught us a lot. Every day was a challenge. Every milestone reached a little success story for us to cherish. I guess we learnt that good intentions, hard work can only get one so far. A lot rests with the ones leading the dream and if they falter, everything comes to naught.

After I left that, I focused on changes happening at home and within family. We moved to a new home. Children settled into a new school. I became part of a new neighbourhood and community. I have been involved in community activities and pursuing my love for photography. This lead to becoming the photographer for community events and writing articles for the local magazines. 

I also planned a diwali sale two years in a row that made a tidy profit and was a learning experience in itself. I did some content writing for a friend's new venture and helped another with her new start up. I like to call them projects. They kept me busy off and on. 

I quite liked the flexibility but now that we've settled in well and the children are away for a longer hours in school and capable of managing themselves better, I want to explore stepping back in to a proper job and earn some money of course! Which is why the title "Back to sqaure one" ...

Let me tell you ... each time feels more daunting than the last. It's not an easy task to sometimes go back to the beginning because convincing potential employers that I could deliver more than what they feel I am capable of just doesn't cut any ice and of course much of the time the conversation doesn't prove fruitful because they cite my last drawn salary (which is from the year 2013) to discuss any offer without considering anything productive I might have done in the break I took or that they aren't even offering the market value of the position. I guess that's an obvious fall out of taking a break. Unfair it may seem but as per them it's justified.

So here's to trying and staying positive. I'm certain something exciting will come my way like it did before and I'll be just as enthusiastic about it! *fingers crossed*

The 8 year gap!

So this one consultant called me about a job I'd applied for. I had relevant past experience and it's the kind of profile I'd find interesting and do justice to. The call went off rather well till such time we reached the bit about my gap from work. Without even questioning the break, she seemed to make up her mind and gave me the good old "will call you if we shortlist you" line.

It really upset me for a while. I wish I could have told her that my break was deliberate and intentional. That the 8 year break was spent raising my two boys. Not wasted. Not unproductive. Definitely not unrewarding! That my skills and work experience from before were not redundant and I'd not lost my ability to manage, learn and get work done! It riles me up to no end to see how homemakers, housewives, stay at home moms are looked upon...no let me rephrase that...looked down on.

I'd like to understand why it's such an issue really? Women have babies is but obvious. Women are free to exercise  their choice to take a break, to start and raise a family. Why even question the break?

In fact, once they decide to return to work, it would be a well thought out decision right? Wouldn't you rather hire someone who is now less likely to go on a long pregnancy leave or quit a work place for a maternity leave and then extend it to a long break? I'm done with all that. Wouldn't it make more sense to hire someone like me? Knowing I am not going to ditch work to go get married, go have a baby. I've done that drill.

It's a question I know I will keep encountering in every interview. I just wish the question wasn't met with an instant negative reaction. The question warrants an answer at least. Give me the chance to voice myself. That's the least someone capable enough to hire and select should do. 

Slow and Steady?

Not much progress. Actually there has been progress but maybe not as much as I expected. Then again, I guess my expectations were unreal. I had to tell myself to slow down and think through things. I realized that the only people (namely consultants) who call me are those who view my resume on job portals and search via set key words. My prior work experience simply fetches me job offers related to what I've done. Now how does one work around this issue? 

My writing took a back seat the past week. Writing here that is. Attempting to write anything non personal and fresh proved even more difficult given my state of mind. I finally decided to apply for some courses. Creative writing being a priority. The debate is whether I should do a long distance course or in campus. The idea of getting back to learning is exciting. I'm also trying to brush up on my other software skills. And a course in digital still photography is also tempting me.

The question is where am I going with all this? I wish I had some sense of direction. The thought of taking up a 9 to 5 or regular job doesn't work for me for simply one reason. That is I have to start from scratch and I have to consider working long hours away from home for hardly any money. Ok any money is good money I agree. It's probably still on my mind. I've decided to give myself sometime to at least try for things that interest me before settling for whatever comes my way. 

Meanwhile, it's really been interesting to observe just how people help, try to help or not at all in all this. Not everyone can I know. Not everyone would want to. So I guess I should honestly be thankful for what comes my way and really not focus on what doesn't. 

Still staying postitive!

Baby Steps...

More like baby steps. The mind is racing faster than what is practically possible. I'm impatient. Everyone around tells me to slow down. It'll happen. Wait. Be patient. These things take time. Is what I get to hear.

In my head, I hear that lil voice telling me "who's going to make it happen?" 

This is where I matter. The universe doesn't always conspire you see. If I can't make it happen, nothing will. Every step forward is followed by the question "what next?" 

The weekend will keep me occupied and away from focusing here but my mind is constantly wondering and trying to answer the question above.

I wish I was that little child heading to school and all I had to do was hold my mum's hand and follow. My inner child is still looking for that guiding light. 

Shine on me. Shine soon. Shine bright.

One step at a time...

Did I think it was going to be easy heading back to work? No.

Did I think it would be this difficult to know what I want to do? No.

Two utterly crappy days of simply being unfocused, lost and confused later...I heard from a dear old friend. She gave me some sound sane advice. Not that I am completely sorted after it. But I definitely know that to pursue what I do feel is my first choice and by that I mean writing as a means to work and earn, I need to pay heed to her advice. After all, she's made quite a success of herself. Now I don't know yet how far this will take me but I do know that I have to make a start.

This very personal blog isn't simply about me struggling with finding a job. It's probably what a lot of other stay at home mom's go through. Someone somewhere will read through my experiences and think "hey I'm dealing with this too". This blog is probably going to track the whole journey right to the very end. The end here hopefully will be fabulously good.

That's me being very optimistic...hope is but a potent drug...gives one an instant high.

Totally mind boggled...thank you!

Write a CV. Change your CV. Forget the CV. Write a synopsis about yourself. Write a bio. Create a webpage. Hey try a video CV? Try x...try y...and try z!!!

But wait why even try to get back to the 9-5 grind? That's not you! 

Try writing. Content writing. 

You're on FB a lot and you were on twitter. You should try the social media scene.

Sure.

Why not? Like I really know how. Can you stick around to help me with that? 

Oh wait. Yeah you're done.

Friends!

Yeah I love you all. But I could do with some "real" help.

If I can sort out the confusion by myself, it would be perfect. I will get there. I know. 

I've only just begun!